As an Author, Coach, and Motivational Speaker I read a lot of books about people, their motivations, and their relationships. "The Secrets of Happy Families" by Dr. Scott Haltzman and Teresa Foy DiGeronimo gets an A+ for writing with clarity and humor, an A for stories that engage the reader, and an A+ for the valuable lessons provided.



Dr. Haltzman begins by setting expectations about what a family is, going way beyond the traditional nuclear family of 2 parents and 2.5 children to include the single parent family, extended family, blended family, adopted family, foster family, etc. Coming from a blended family with a father married 6 times impacting 21 children and having a more traditional family with 2 parents and 2 children I was interested to see what secrets he could share to make my family a happy family.



In chapter 2 Dr. Haltzman defines happiness and identifies a number of circumstances and behaviors that can impact the happiness of families. He ends the chapter with this line "by proactively shaping the family life you desire, that life can be yours. Read on."



Secret #1: Happy Families Stick Together. Dr. Haltzman creates context with a values matrix to help you identify a shared understanding of what's important to your family, and each of the people in your family. He then helps you create a family mission statement as a powerful bond that helps the family stick together.



Secret #2: Happy Families Commit and Communicate. Dr. Haltzman identifies what "committed" means. He identifies 3 stages in a relationship and what it takes to stay committed in each stage. Communication through words and action is the top-secret of happy families. Gender differences can create conflict or you can embrace the differences.



Secret #3: Happy Families Lean. Happy families look to each other for support and that support is returned. Dr. Haltzman says" a secret of happy families is that they abide by the code of support and caring even if it's at the cost of personal convenience or comfort". Another key is to identify friends and organizations that can support, encourage, and champion your marriage.



Secret #4: Happy Families Teach to and Learn from Children. Children divide your attention, take time, are expensive, are loud and messy, will challenge your beliefs, and are individuals that won't always share your beliefs, values, hopes, and desires. On the positive side children can bring joys to your family and give you love. Haltzman shares valuable lessons in disciplining children. I love how the lessons learned in his research into the behavior of rats can be applied to disciplining our children. His story of dealing with his daughter Alena reinforces his message that conflicting issues affect our decisions as parents, we need to take them into account, and make the best decision we can.



Secret #5: Happy Families Blend. In this chapter Dr. Haltzman identifies types of blended families and walks through the 5 step process they go through: hopefulness, confusion, crisis, stability, and finally a shared commitment. He also provides strategies and techniques to create a successful blended family.



Secret #6: Happy Families Handle Conflict. Dr. Haltzman shares 5 basic fair fight facts:



1. All couples fight.

2. We all need to be heard.

3. We need to treat each other with respect to survive conflict.

4. A hostile start results in a harsh and.

5. The fight must be over by bedtime.



I don't know if I agree with #5 five but the 1st 4 I find absolutely true. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Dr. Haltzman reinforces work by Dr. John Gottman identifying 4 powerful behaviors that can predict a failed relationship; criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Happy families limit use of these behaviors, deal with conflict, and bounce back



Secret #7: Happy Families Bounce. It's easy to be a happy family when things are going well, but when things are going bad you can still be a happy family. The key is resiliency. Dr. Haltzman provides keys for actively coping with family challenges.



Dr. Haltzman wraps up his book with "Happy Families Evolve." He says "my hope is that by spending time reading this book and learning how all the individuals within a family give happiness to each other, you'll be inspired to make a conscious effort to give happiness to everyone in your family, and will then in turn enjoy the happiness they give back to you or the rest of your life."



I highly recommend The Secrets of Happy Families. You'll find powerful lessons to create your Happy Family.



Kevin Decker

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